Emotionally, I was wreck with constant thoughts of Paige and missing her and feeling so sad for her family and friends. Nine months has not eased any of the pain. There were a few 3-day Races for the Cure going on, and I have a Breast Cancer awareness project I'm working on . . . just several things that caused my emotions, that I am so good at holding inside, to burst out of hiding.
The 10th anniversary of 9/11 was another emotional strain. So many thoughts and feelings from the day resurfaced. Fears, frustrations, and . . . and sheer terror of DH traveling on the 11th. I remember that morning ten years ago vividly, watching the TV, holding my pregnant tummy, praying my sister and her husband in Manhattan were ok, praying my BIL in DC was ok. We were smack in the center of the attack triangle between NYC, DC, and Shanksville. It felt like the world was caving in on us. And then I feel badly because my experience of fear was so small compared to those directly in those locations. And those who lost loved ones . . . my husband came home from work that day. So many didn't.
Spiritually, I feel torn. There is so much good. And so much bad. Trying to teach my kids what is good and right, and feeling like a failure at times. I like to be in control. But they have to learn to make their own decisions. We can guide them, lead them, however it all comes down to them making decisions for themselves. Trying to prioritize my life and putting spiritual health first is not very easy for me. I feel strong in my faith in God, but I really need to do more to ground that faith in my actions. And, honestly, most of what I do spiritually right now is not for me, but for my kids. (That was hard to admit).
Physically, I am at my heaviest weight ever (not including pregnancies). This is a constant source of frustration. Over the past 6-8 weeks I have gained 10 pounds. No, I am not pregnant (for all you locals wondering). Each week, each day, each hour, I think "ok, now I will eat healthier" and then I don't. I know what to eat to be healthy. For Pete's sake, I have Bachelor and Master degrees in Physical Education! At least this past week, I finally kicked myself in the rear and starting exercising again. Thank you, Jillian Michaels, for helping me feel stronger. And thanks to my DH for taking us on a fun, exhausting hike Saturday. But really, why can't I just do this? What is the hurdle I have to get over?
But here's the thing . . . after laying this all out, feeling like I can't go on, facing another day of possible failure . . . I still know how truly blessed I am. And am reminded of that constantly. It is what helps me keep going, keep trying, because I have the opportunity to do so.
My life is good. I have an incredible husband who works hard to provide for our family. And who knows when I am having a bad day and doesn't make it worse. And who loves me for who I am.
We are blessed with five incredible children, good children, who try hard to do what is right. And who love school. And who play with each other and get along with each other. And who love to read and do their chores and practice their piano (well, the last two things aren't "love to do" things but they do them).
Our home is comfortable and warm and has enough space for all of us. We live in a beautiful location that, despite the rainy seasons I detest, provides breathtaking views that help me feel God's presence in my life every single day. Just the view does that.
"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be, for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions and not upon our circumstances."
Have a good day today.
2 comments:
Oh Melanie... I wish I could give you a big hug right now. So many things I'd like to say...hopefully I can keep from making this a novel. First...regarding your grief. There's no magic time when you're going to feel less sadness. Whether it's been 9 mos or 9 years, it's a terrible loss. One that has changed you forever. Go easy on yourself. 9 mos isn't a long time. Nor is 9 years, for that matter. Baby steps.
Parenting. Good grief. If I could give you a dollar for every time I felt guilty, felt like I was driving Bryn to a life of counseling, felt like praying for the ability to do better...you'd be a rich woman. We all feel that way. We just don't all talk about it every day. Even with close friends...I think we're more inclined to talk marriage issues than parenting issues.
Regarding 9/11...thank you for the reminder that I really need to scrap my feelings about that, as Bryn was only 3 mos old and I watched that live. I think it led to my temporary need for an antidepressant. And then I stopped taking it right before my sister passed away. Oyy. Probably should've started taking it again...or should've at least seen a therapist, but never did. My bad.
Body...let me just say, I've been many sizes. Nothing will change until you decide to make a change for yourself. Not for your husband, not for your kids, not for anyone but YOU. And then even when you carve out all that time for yourself and you're working it big time...there will still be something you wish you could do better...or less. I do. Every single day.
No one is perfect. We're all just trying to get by in life and do the best we can. Kudos to you for putting what you'd like to change on your blog, but don't feel bad about it. Let it give you strength. 'Cause I just know you are one kick-9butt strong woman... ;-).
I so agree with Deana...you are a strong woman. I also love it that you show your vulnerability by sharing it with us all.
Sending lots of love and a big hug.
xx
Post a Comment